I went to Seattle yesterday, the Left Coast, and I was away from my bucolic little town and my happy little family for 20 hours. It was too long. When we moved here, I immediately loved our new town, new ward, new friends, new house, new and different life. But it took awhile for the slower pace, the peace and calm and family world to sink in and change me. I am now fully converted to my small town life and it was a jarring, shocking, painful reality to be back in the world I once thought I was made for and would miss. I was all business there. I was on the ladder and I was climbing. We left in part because my wise husband knew that the politics, the work-focused life, the frenetic pace, the competition - it was toxic, particularly to me, because I thrived so well in it. I could not see how disconnected I was from being a mother and a wife. I thought I was one of those women who is "not cut out" to be a SAHM. Now, I work from home and that is a blessing that I cannot be grateful enough to have, but I wish I could have it all. And having it all means something very different to me now. I wish with all my heart that I did not have to turn on the computer every morning and tap back into that other world where my value is measured in IQ points. I wish with all my heart that my kids reaped the benefits of all the talent and capacity that make me so valued in the working world. I wish that I gave the best and the most of my energy to the job that is mine by divine design.
Looking back over the day, I can see that I did not fail either world; I kept my standards, and I did a good job. Yet this morning I feel injured and afraid. I want to just sit with my children and hold them. I want to spend an hour with my husband holding me, reminding me that I am still the person I have become, and that my brush with that other world has not turned me back into the person I was.
