My attorney is going to depose my husband next week because my husband is suspicious and guarded, and written questions would give him plenty of time to craft his answers and avoid revealing himself. So instead, he will be faced with an unlimited number of verbal questions that his attorney can object to, but that he will be forced to answer. The day I got the notice of deposition in the mail I bawled my eyes out for my husband, feeling sorry for him that he must be scared, overwhelmed, and beaten down by the weight of what he is facing. My dad, my coworkers, my attorney, some of my friends, they said, "why feel sorry for him?". And I didn't have a real answer. My dad, my coworkers, my attorney, some of my friends, they say "why are you still paying (some of) his bills for him?". And I say, "it hurts me less than worrying about him does". I've been through many hard things in my life and people have said that I am strong. I never thought I was a wimp until now. Until I realized that the thought of imposing real consequences on my husband's bad behavior brings me to tears, despondency, almost an identity crisis. And then something happened. 6 weeks ago my 6 year old told me that my husband said that the devil made me leave him. A month ago I made a recording of my son telling me that his daddy told him that having babies made me crazy. 4 days ago my son told me that his daddy said that I get married and just get divorced again (because I don't know how to stay). And that was it, I was done. Twice in the last week my 2 year old has been dropped off by her dad, after spending the night with him, fallen asleep around 4pm, and slept until the next morning. Because he doesn't know how to put her to bed. But he wants to be the primary custodian of my children. And he has told our friends and people we go to church with that I am having an affair with my ex-husband (who lives in another state and is happily married...). And my attorney heard through the grapevine that he has told people that I am mentally unstable and have a personality disorder. And he posts on his blogs that I am vengeful and trying to destroy him...while he holds my business hostage, contacts my clients, and insists on being paid for work that he hasn't done in a year because he is an owner of the business.
You know that scene in Lord of the Rings when they are running from the fire demon chasing them through the mountain and Gandolf plants his feet on the stone bridge, brings his staff down with a resounding crash, and bellows, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"? Yeah, that's me right now. I am done being a wimp. In the three and a half years of our marriage I have been the sole provider for our family, I have birthed 2 beautiful children, I have paid for his music equipment, his bike, his books, his movies, all the time he spent blogging, his guns, gas masks, "survival" equipment, his car, his house...every whim and want. And it was never enough and he was never happy. I promised him that if he died I wouldn't remarry so he would stop worrying about it. I begged him to go to counseling. I forgave him, without a word, without a fight, for not paying any taxes the year I ran an office with 4 full-time and 2 part-time employees and he was supposed to be the office manager. I forgave him for the next year when he did the same thing. I forgave him for sending nasty emails to my employees that almost made them quit. I begged him to love me, to make love to me, to forgive me for my failings, to not give up on us. And at the end, he called me a liar, he stole from our family, he lied about me, he HURT MY KIDS with his lies. And I am done feeling sorry for him. All of his works will be revealed in court. His blogs and his letters, his very own words, will condemn him.
4 comments:
I had no idea what you were going through with your marriage. Not that I should, we barely know each other anymore. I guess when I read this it really hit home for me because of all I have had to go through with my ex husband for the past 7 years. Please, please call me if you ever need anyone to talk to. I am sure you have a great circle of friends there where you live but I am just putting that offer out there. 541-653-1251
Amy - I appreciate your empathy. I will call one of these days. I have friends here, but they're all pretty conflicted because most of their husbands are friends with Aaron - it's hard to talk to them. I will be interested to hear about your experiences...
I'm hoping that you are still moving onward, as painful as that may be. And, I'm hoping that you are close to being where you need to be.
A very pleasant surprise. I hope you are doing well.
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