Solid Ground

So...my last 2 posts have more than alluded to me having a hard time right now.  In fact, they were pretty clear on that point.  But that's not an entirely accurate picture of where I am, because generally, I feel inspired to write when things are particularly difficult and not in the better moments.  Most of my time is spent in better moments.  Better mothering, better health, better happiness.

When someone dies or when something bad happens and it does not absolutely bring us to our knees, we feel an obligation to grief, or at least to the appearance thereof.  "Shouldn't I be more upset?", or something along those lines.  But I trust that what we feel is generally what we ought to feel in that moment, and that when we feel what we ought not to feel, rage, for example, it's an opportunity for us to work through that feeling, and arrive at the other side having learned something from the experience.  In fact, all of it is about learning.  Every experience we have in mortality is an opportunity for us to learn - to refine our skills and talents, to grow in self-discipline, faith, love, and in understanding.  I am learning about faith right now.  Faith that my kids will be okay.  Faith that I am not doomed to failure and misery.  Faith that in this space, when I am alone, I can grow to be more than I have been before, rather shrinking and withering under the weight of aloneness.  I am not lonely.  The depth of my gut does not cry out in anguish or fear and I am not compelled by need as I have been in the past.  This is a revelation in my life.  I have spent my life wandering from need to need, and always needing more.  Contentment and happiness have not been included in my emotional vocabulary.  Yet here, right now, living in a tiny little house that doesn't have carpet, with an absolute minimum of furniture, without someone to hold me at night, with my 3 small children who demand so much care, worry about bills looming, my credibility and competence threatened, I feel genuinely happy and at peace.  I am standing on solid ground, and I am not afraid.